- Oh, hi, dear. You hungry? - Hey.
No, I'm good. Debra made lunch.
Oh, a wonderful sense of humor.
Robbie, I'm gonna do a load of your socks and underpants.
Now, are you wearing today's underpants or yesterday's?
- They're fine, Ma. - No no, let me see.
- No no no no no no. - No no no.
Don't! Come on!
Robert, you know the most important pants a person has?
- Underpants. - I know, Ma.
You remember when you ran out of underpants that time?
It was the fifth grade, Ma.
And you had to wear a pair of Raymond's underpants to school.
Eww! You never told me that.
I'm checking your dresser.
Hey, Ray, did you hear my imitation of Robert's tushy cushion?
How about a salad, fatso?
A salad!
Oh, man.
Talking tushy cushion. That's clever.
Yeah, you should hear his new bit about the toilet seat talking to me.
How do you do it? How do you live with them?
If I were you, I would be wiping off my fingerprints
and rehearsing my 911 call.
Oh, you get used to them, you know?
It's like an impacted wisdom tooth.
Without the wisdom.
My "TV Guide" is missing!
I left it on the armrest of the sofa, now it's not on the armrest of the sofa!
Where is my "TV Guide"?
- Ma had it last. - Marie!
"TV Guide"!
Yeah.
Gotta have a little fun, right?
Oh, did you do that yourself?
They're coming!
So, this is good, huh?
You and me watching a ballgame.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this is nice.
- There's another game next week... - Shut up, it's back on.
Hey.
Listen, is Robert around?
Marie took him to his doctor's appointment.
Oh, good. 'Cause I wanna talk to you guys.
Oh, good Lord Almighty, what?
Now, listen.
Listen up, I've been thinking about what to get Robert for his birthday.
Uh, all right. All I have is a 10.
Can this be for Christmas too?
Hey, can I go halfsies with ya?
You know, that's exactly why we need to do something nice for Robert.
Because not only did he get gored by a bull,
but he's had to put up with that kind of stuff for three months.
What does she want, another 10?
Hey, how did Robert's appointment go?
- Not good. - What do you mean? What happened?
I asked the doctor about the clicking in my jaw
when I chew sometimes,
and he said there isn't much I could really do about it.
I have a suggestion.
- What about Robert? - Oh, no...
he's good. His therapy is going very well.
In fact, he can move back into his apartment in three weeks.
Oh my God, another three weeks?
- Hey, Robert. - Hey, Robert.
Well, I suppose you heard my wonderful news.
Yeah, three more weeks.
- Three more weeks. - No, listen.
Three more weeks.
Well, if you say it like that...
Here, let me try.
Bubonic plague.
Hey, what do you got? Is that a new cushion?
Whoo. Boy, I wish I had one of those.
Man, that is... sweet.
Robbie, three more weeks is not so bad.
And your father and I will help you with your stretching.
I just wanna say, if you do the one
where you throw your legs over your head,
all baggage must be completely stowed.
All right, go ahead and laugh, that's what everyone else does.
Listen, we were just talking about your birthday.
Oh, yeah yeah, my birthday.
Happy birthday to the middle-aged man who is back living with his parents.
# And many more. #
Oh, you drank all the coffee. Thanks, I'm gonna get...
- Raymond! - Hello, son.
- Hey. - We were just having some coffee.
- Would you like me to make you some? - No, thanks.
Uh, how are you?
- What's going on? - What do you mean?
- Why did you tell me to come over? - What? We like you.
Can't we just want to see you. Is that such a crazy...
- Robert's killing us. - I can't take it anymore!
- What are you talking about? - Your brother, he's a jerk.
- No, he's not a jerk, Frank. - He acts like it's so horrible
having to stay with us. It's no pony ride for us either.
He won't even do his exercises.
He just sits around the house insulting us.
This morning he told me that my pancakes were... dry.
And yesterday he told me I smelled like a billy-goat.
Which wasn't true yesterday.
- Raymond, please talk to him. - What? No no. No way.
- Come on, he's your brother. - He's your son!
You're gonna throw that in my face?
Raymond, we don't know what else to do.
He's probably just going stir-crazy here.
Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you guys move?
Why would you say that?
Hmm.
- I'll talk to him. - I don't understand why you would...
I'm talking to him!
Hey. Are you stretching?
No, I dropped a Fruit Loop under the couch.
So... Mom and Dad starting to get to you?
Starting to get to me?
They've burrowed into my head and they sit on my brain,
poking the backs of my eyes.
Yeah, they'll do that.
But, maybe you should cut them some slack.
What?
Yeah, 'cause they mean well, you know?
Well, Mom means well, Dad's just mean.
What, they sent you in here to talk to me?
No. No, not at all.
Come on, Ray, everybody knows you're Ma's little lapdog.
- What are you talking about? - You know, she gives you treats,
and you scamper around, doing tricks
like a trained poodle.
I think I'll start calling you "Princess. "
I'm not a poodle, Robert.
Princess want a Fruit Loop?
Are you just gonna be a pain in the ass to everybody?
Oh, yeah yeah, there you go.
Pain in the ass, I get it.
That's not what I meant, huh? Come on.
Hey, don't act so innocent, okay?
You were the first one to find humor in my...
discomfiture.
Yeah yeah, thanks for the laughs, funny man.
So you're gonna be mad at me now,
just because you've gotta spend three more weeks here?
Oh, how could I be mad at you...
Princess?
God, you are a jerk.
How did it go in there?
Yeah, I, uh, stuck my fingers in his Fruit Loops.
What the hell is that? Get back in there.
No no, look, he's out of his mind.
No, don't leave, Raymond. Please, here,
Have a brownie.
One.
Aw, a treat for Mommy's snookums.
Ma, tell him I'm not your lapdog.
He's not my lapdog, Robert.
I just wanna thank everybody for being such a loving family.
I'm in there with a bull hole in me, and you're in here calling me "jerk. "
That's nice.
Hey, if you're having such a bad time living here,
- then don't! - You want me out?
You don't have to finish your rehab here, man.
- Just move out. - That's right.
You're pretty much back on your big clown feet.
My feet are proportionate to my height.
And maybe I will move out. Would you like that, Ma?
Whatever makes you happy, dear.
- Okay, fine. I'm going right now. - Good!
I'll be back for my personal effects tomorrow.
- Take your time! - I'm outta here!
You gotta move your car, it's blocking me.
My pleasure! Marie, move the car.
- I don't have your keys. - I don't have them.
- You're always hiding them. - Nobody hides your keys, Frank.
If you just put them on the hook where they belong...
Don't tell me to put them on the hook. I hate putting them on the hook!
- Are your pants upstairs? - I don't leave my keys in my pants.
How about the time you left them in the front door, senile?
How about the time you had them in your hands. "Where are my keys?
Where are my keys?"
All right, all right, wait, I forgot.
I had them.
And here's your "TV Guide" and here's your big spoon.
I hope you're gonna boil that spoon.
Happy birthday, Robert. We just wanted to stop...
We?
Come back here!
They're just kidding, you know?
Get over here!
- Hi. - Hey, what's up?
Happy... hello.
Go inside.
Ah, oh God, what the hell is that smell?
I left a carton of milk out the day I got gored by the bull.
Apparently, if you leave milk out for 12 weeks,
it goes bad and then explodes.
However, this is "lavender bouquet. "
Can we use it to light the apartment on fire?
Robert, do you have any more candles?
Or an old sneaker I can bury my face in?
Make yourselves at home.
Or not.
I say "not. "
I have my perfume.
Yeah, that's good, Ma.
Now it smells like a cow died in a whorehouse.
Why don't we open a window, huh?
Yeah, and jump out!
Oh.
Is that the cake you made?
You know, you could have made one, Marie.
The way Robert's behaving?
No, he doesn't deserve one of my cakes. This is perfect.
Okay, you know what?
I think we all need to be a little more understanding of Robert.
That is what families are supposed to do.
Is that some of your I'm-okay-you're-okay
hippie crap?
No, it's just right.
Peace, man.
Oh, you're still here.
We're not gonna leave, Robert. It's your birthday.
And by the way...
this is for you. It's from all of us.
Huh? It's a gym membership.
Okay, that's it. Let's go.
Ray... wait a minute.
Aw, pictures of beautiful people running, rowing
- and lifting weights. - Nice, huh?
Yeah yeah, everybody can build up their arm muscles
pointing and laughing at Sergeant Chubsy-Ubsy.
Robert, we just thought that it might help you.
I'll tell you what, Deb, why don't you take it, huh?
You can go and exercise and lose like half a pound
and then officially be perfect.
# Perfect Debra, sitting in a tree #
# P-E-R-F-E-C-T. #
Hey, that rhymes.
Look, Robert. We were just...
All right, listen listen. Thanks for the present,
thanks for coming over, thanks for everything, everybody, okay?
You may wanna go now. The birthday boy is gonna blow out the candle.
Just for the record, I said we should get him a stripogram.
I'm gonna talk to him.
All right, Deb, just stop it with the understanding bit.
It's not a bit, Ray.
You know, if Debra really understood people,
she wouldn't serve that cake.
Hey!
Okay, Robert, listen. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself!
- I'm not feeling sorry for myself. - Yes, you are.
Spouting off at the family and insulting everybody.
You just love playing the victim, don't you?
Okay, thank you. You can go back to being Princess Fabulosa now.
Hey, you better be nice to me, pal,
'cause I'm the last person in the family that doesn't want to climb up there
and strangle you!
Oh, a height joke. Thank you, Your Majesty.
Yeah, it's very refreshing after all the bull-in-the-ass jokes.
You know what I think?
I think you love that bull.
I think you were so happy he found you,
because he's a two-ton excuse for your life!
That's right. You were a victim before that bull.
You've been a victim your whole life, because there's nothing easier
than playing the victim, is there, Robert?
Why are you picking on me?
See? Again!
"Wah wah wah, my mother doesn't pay enough attention to me.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
Raymond has a better life than me. Wah wah wah. "
- I don't say "wah wah wah. " - You're sounding like that right now.
That's because I just said "wah wah wah!"
Listen, bad stuff happens to me, okay?
I don't imagine these things, I'm just reporting the facts.
The fact is, you love to suffer. You were so mad
about having to leave your parent's house.
Are you out of your mind? I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Oh, really? You don't seem so happy to be here.
I have a milk situation.
Admit it, you loved being at your parent's house,
because that's the Holy Land of self-pity.
You weren't unhappy because you had three more weeks to stay there,
you were unhappy because you had only three more weeks to stay there.
Oh my God!
- Robert... - Maybe you're right, Debra!
No, I'm not. I'm not right. Stop crying.
Sure, I've put on a big show
about how Ma loves Raymond better
and Dad's an ogre, but they do take care of me!
O... okay.
I've got a place to sleep,
laundry, the food is unbelievable!
Her lasagna, her pie,
even something as simple as Cream of Wheat,
which you wouldn't think would be different from one place to another.
I don't know why, but hers is better.
Robert, I... I didn't mean to suggest...
Oh my God!
You know, maybe I never wanted to move out of there.
What kind of a nutjob am I?
- Nutjob! Nutjob! - No no!
Robert, you're not.
You're right, Debra. You're right.
Maybe... maybe I don't wanna get better.
I must love being the victim.
Oh my God, I'm doing it right now!
Look at me!
I don't think I can stop, Debra.
I don't think I'm ever gonna stop!
Help me out of this!
Please, help me out of this!
Robert, you're crushing me!
Oh my God!
I am a nutjob! Nutjob!
- I'm a loser. - No.
- I am such a loser! - Oh, no!
Robert, no, come on. Robert, look. No, listen.
You're not so...
listen, I feel sorry for myself too sometimes.
Not like me. I got issues.
No, I have my moments.
Yeah, you. Like what?
Like, um, okay. For instance,
you know I grew up in a nice, normal family,
I was used to people being a certain way.
And then I married your brother,
which is great, but...
they are over, every day, a lot!
"Hello, dear. " "Holy crap!"
I mean, you know, on Friday,
your mother was over nine times, in one day! Nine times!
And at times like that it's hard for me not to say,
"Why me?" You know, "Why me?"
Why why why why why why?
"Why me?" That's one of my favorites.
That's probably why I've been the only one who has been able
to put up with you lately, 'cause we're a little bit alike.
You think so?
Sure.
Robert, I'm... I'm sorry I yelled at you.
No no. I deserved it.
I'm sorry I called you perfect.
It's okay.
Well, do you feel better?
Yeah. A little dehydrated...
Come on, let's get out of here, huh?
Okay.
Thanks, Debra.
You're a good sister-in-law.
Thanks. You're a pretty good brother-in-law.
So, we... we really are kind of alike aren't we?
I mean, you feel sorry for yourself too when Mom and Dad bug you?
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Yeah, but then deep down, you really kind of like it, right?
Yes! Yes, I do.
You're sick too.
Hey, everybody.
Just wanted to, um...
apologize for the way I've been lately.
Debra talked to me, and, uh...
I'm actually feeling better now, so...
if you can all forgive me,
I'm glad you came over and, uh, let's have some cake.
Was that you crying in there?
Frank.
No, it's all right, Robbie.
You're never too big to cry.
Although...
you might be getting close to the cut-off point.
You know what, Robbie?
You need to air this place out overnight.
And tomorrow I'll come in and give it a good once-over.
So tonight you'll sleep at our house,
and I don't wanna hear any argument from you.
All right, if that's what you want.
Come on, let's go home and we can have the cake there.
Oh, no no no no, dear. I have some cake at home.
Why don't we leave your cake here?
It goes so well with this apartment.
Hurts so good, huh?